As of late, I've been wondering if I'm going to have any say in this wedding.
I'm not a fan of the whole "It's the bride's day" thing, 'cause there's another person involved in the whole thing. Without the groom, there'd be no reason to have the wedding.
Thankfully, he's not giving much, if any, grief.
I had put my foot down on a few things:
--fall wedding.
--wedding dress.
--ceremony location.
--open bar at reception.
--my brother and sister being ring bearer and flower girl, respectively.
--walking myself down the aisle.
--no father-daughter dance.
I got my fall wedding. That was easy.
I wanted red in my wedding dress, and I got it (and for a reasonable price, too). I've gotten nothing but compliments on the dress, even with the colour in it.
The rest, well...
1) Ceremony location: The first thing I did on the Monday after the engagement was to head into the event planner's office at Holy Name Cathedral to find out how to put a hold on a date for a wedding. I work there, so this was no difficult task. I registered as a parishoner, secured the date and the prime wedding time slot, and then spread the word amongst the family and friends.
This is The Cathedral. This is, like, the prime spot for Catholic weddings in Chicago, if you want to go all out. I got it with little to no effort, and everyone seemed happy. My grandmother about died; she is like most old school Catholics in Chicago who think HNC is the last word. I figured the fiance's family would be thrilled, too, for similar reasons.
I did this six months ago. Last week, after we hunted reception sites, I'm sitting in their kitchen listening to my future mother-in-law say she wished we could go back in time and find the reception site first, so we could find a church nearby. That's like saying that she's not happy with what I chose, which really is the cream of the crop when it comes to Catholic churches (or so we like to think, anyway).
I could point out to her that it's not that easy in this Archdiocese. 98% of the churches in the archdiocese require you to be a parishoner of theirs before they will let you marry with them. Those that allow non-parishoners to marry in their church usually require you to use their priests, rather than your own. And as far as I know, all the Catholic churches in the Archdiocese require you to make a "donation" to secure your wedding date and time. This is to cover things like security, maintenence, etc. that is needed for your wedding. With me marrying at HNC, we didn't have to worry about these things. But as I tried to start explaining this, I was interrupted and the topic was dropped. Apparently the fiance has mentioned those Archdiocesan rules to them (as I explained them to him), but they brushed them aside as something that could be dealt with later.
The difficulty in all of this is that HNC is located in downtown Chicago, in one of the richest neighbourhoods in the city. This means that any reception site near there is going to be very, very expensive. I saw no problems in looking in the suburbs for a site. My three elder cousins all married at their churches, then went to reception sites at least half an hour from their church. I've never been to a wedding that didn't require a drive to get to the reception from the church. But apparently, this is unacceptable for the future parents-in-law. Apparently, we should be there to greet our guests as they arrive, whether they went to the church or not.
In theory, this would be great. But things like that are less prominent nowadays. We were going to solve that problem by doing photos during the dancing (my cousins all did this), and greeting everyone at their tables as they ate (theater friends did that at their wedding). We didn't even get to bring this up before we were shot down about things like respect for the guests, and so forth.
I was trying to respect the guests by giving them an affordable place to stay, if they so chose. One of the sites we looked at had amazing rooms, and the rate they would be offered as wedding guests was 94 USD. That was the best rate we came across, and the best rooms we saw, to boot. Parking was free, too.
The site we are now opting for, as it's the most affordable downtown venue, will probably only offer a rate of 105-125 USD for the guests. And parking is at least 16 USD. Not quite what I had in mind.
Which brings us to...
2) Open bar at reception:
My family drinks. My friends drink. My coworkers drink. Open bar is kind of a necessity.
Most places offer 4-5 hours of open bar, with a last call an hour prior to the reception's end. The downtown venue offered 4, which was fine. They said their prices per plate would be negotiable, and the first thing my future father-in-law suggested to lower the price would be to reduce the open bar to 3 hours, with 1-2 hours cash bar.
Future in-laws are not drinkers. They take a glass of wine or champagne at a celebratory function, and that's about it.
Fiance doesn't drink at all, but does not limit what I do, nor make comments on my family and friends.
But fiance hero-worships his father. So he didn't argue when his father made that suggestion, despite my having made it clear that we would need open bar.
This may or may not be a huge issue for the guests, I don't know. It shouldn't be a huge issue for us. I mean, we're paying for each person to eat and have a good time, after all. But they're also giving gifts, money, and so on. It just feels wrong to then charge them for drinks at the event.
Some of this probably comes from what I know of my family. We are not rich. We never have been. Some of the family does better than others; some just barely get by. It's only for one night, but it still feels wrong to me.
This will probably be the easiest to get over, but it hurts nevertheless.
3) brother and sister's roles in the wedding.
I wanted them to have a prominent part in my wedding. They're my siblings, after all. We've gone through a lot together. But my sister refused to be the maid of honour, and my fiance likes my brother, but is not very close with him. I didn't want them to just be a bridesmaid and a groomsman. So I was going to have them be flower girl and ring bearer. They liked the idea. So did my mother. Fiance didn't care either way.
His parents and my grandmother threw a fit. Nana said it would be an "insult to the Cathedral" if I did that, and his parents are stuck on the kids having those roles. I do not want children in my wedding. This may be a horrid thing to say, but I really don't want them. And it would not be an "insult to the Cathedral" to have my brother and sister fill those roles, despite the fact that they are 23 and 20, respectively.
Nana suggested they be the Best Man and the Maid of Honour. Problem is, my sister flat out said she would not be the Maid of Honour because she didn't want the responsibility. I respect that. And though my brother and fiance get along, they are not necessarily friends, and that would not be fair to him. So while they don't care that they're just a bridesmaid and groomsman, I do.
4) Walking myself down the aisle.
This one is getting better, but is still kind of a sore spot between the fiance's father and myself. Seeing as my father passed away several years ago, it would be quite difficult to have him walk me down the aisle. My mother remarried last summer, and while I love her new husband (they dated for years before marrying), it would not feel right for me to have him walk me down the aisle.
Fiance's father doesn't think this is right. He sees this as a position of honour, and I should honour my stepfather and ask him to do this. But stepfather understands that it isn't something I want to do. This is already going to be hard enough as it is. But at least the fiance's father has let up on it. He's mentioned it to the fiance once or twice, but not to me directly. We'll see how that goes.
This ties in with:
5) No father-daughter dance.
and that can be left at that.
Done for now.
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